With the current situation that has hit the country now, 400 Naira to 1 dollar, life in Lagos, Nigeria is getting difficult for a common man like me, and just close by is an African China song, reminding me of the Nigerian economy:
Food no dey, brother ye, transportation no dey
And our country no good ooo, water no dey for the people oo, we nor get light
Rich man wey steal money, we nor dey see their face for crime-fighter,
poor man wey still maggi, we go see their face for crime-fighter
Mr president........
This song describes exactly what we face in the recent "Change" period. Sometimes i had to wake up in the middle of the night, and cry profusely about my condition and where I am headed. There used to be a time in the past when witches and wizard gives us food and you get to see down and enjoy in the middle of the night, but now, the economy seems to have gotten to their abode, now they just give us water in our dreams.
There is nothing i had not tried, i played bet, am always on nairabet, even danced with a mad man, after I was told it is a magic charm to get the right bet numbers, i played the lottery, I tried to join the Nigerian prince train, one week into my trial, my laptop was stolen, Indian man keeps telling me he would pay next week.
I tried to sing, producers think I am a joke, i was thrown out in between my studio session, and given my money.
I visited churches, bought Goya oil, will need down every Sunday and hold my head, be shouting "Amen", "Yes Lord" every Sunday. But the only luck I get is teaching toddler classes, don't get me wrong, I love kids, but my payment is just like a single toddler, so small.
So one day after my class teaching job, I was surfing through my Facebook account and tried to avoid "Click or write Amen," "Like for Jesus, Ignore to be devil agent" kind of post, ok, Ngozi just posted a picture of her cleavage, I love to check this type of things, so I decided to scroll past her pics, and I can see dude thanking her for accepting their friend requests, I think such people are dumb, IMHO.
A girl will post picture of her eating anything, she will get a thousand likes and many comments, but when I post my own hustling picture or when am looking awesome, I only get likes from the guy that lives next door, and my aunt that lives not too far. What a wicked world.
My Facebook Encounter
I was about to log out, and save myself the whole Facebook drama, when my eagle eye saw a name "Kingsley Omo Iko", advertising that he is looking for young men for some Lagos sugar mummies. Lagos sugar mummies are looking for a young man to lubricate their engine, everything in me stand at attention, and when I read that a lubricator(man) will take home at least 100,000 Naira, I almost lubricated on myself. In this era of Buhari, what I do for free will now get me 100,000 Naira.
I know that at this time, I will not heed anybody's advice, not even my pastor. This is the time for me to lubricate. Shout out to all the lubricators out there.
I surfed through the post of the dude, and without wasting another second, i sent him a message "
"Hello, please am interested", he replied
"Interested in what". I said to myself, interested in slapping your dumb head...then replied him
"In your post of sugar mummies."
"Oh oh, are you a sugarboy?"
I was tired of all the FBI questioning, just link me up quick mate, then i replied
"Yes, i am"
Then he wrote "You have to......"
Before I could finish reading the message, my battery went off, pheew. The Techno phone battery is failing me, and I had to use a rubber to hold it down, but sometimes, it slips off, and now the power is out since i left for work, the next time to see them bring it back would be anytime in the evening.
My saving grace would be my church down the street, I need to know what Kingsley sent to me, though I have not been to church in 3 months, but I am sure will be there soon.
At The Church
I walked down to church, its a 45mins walk, and since am not having enough for transport, I trekked. I was well received by the brothers and sisters in the lord. Hello Brother Boo, where have you been? I gave them something to hold on to, while iI stare round the church to find a vacant electric plug to charge my phone.
What time is the service? i asked the service leader.
Brother peter took brother James to Brother Mark petrol station and we are waiting patiently, she replied.
Immediately Brother Peter and James arrives at the church, the power generator was started and I went to the back of the church. While some people were gyrating, clapping, and some speak in tongues, i was busy making sure I get all the charges I can.
Pastor Edward was throwing subliminal words during the sermon, I was like George Bush during New Orleans flood disaster "I don't give a F***"
Immediately I noticed my phone battery was 100%, I left the church, even though the service was still on.
On my way home, another church were distributing flyers, and the theme of the flyer was "Forget the shortcut"
As the church group left my side, i torn the flyer and mock them, If I see anything aside from a long cut, I go pass am ooo...This person doesn't understand my pain and suffering.
I never knew God was sending me a message, but a dog that is going to get lost, will not listen to the hunter whistle.
Back Home
I switched on the phone, and i got like 10 messages from this dude. I apologized to him, and told him the reason for the delay.
He then continued, "I was going to ask for your picture, but have I seen your Facebook pictures, and you good looking"
"Thanks" I replied
"Is it only sugar mummies you do, or would you do sugar daddies too"
So this dude would give me 14 years in prison sentence in Nigeria, Abi this guy na police? i rolled my eye
"No, na only woman i de do" i replied his message
We later went on to discuss the main thing, which is the money and commission, but he quickly replied me that he does not need commission, as he is well paid by his clients.
Seems like a good deal, my stomach rumbled with joy as I think about the new offer.
He later said he would get back to me out of the other 50-60 men that had applied for that same job. He advised me to go and pray.
When I had 60 men, i almost lost hope, as I am an average looking dude, and most of my images look too blurry to be chosen, but I know anything can happen.
I went to bed, and prayed that I get favour from the new lubricator job am about to get. God please pick my call ooo...100,000 Naira won't be bad for few hours job ooo.
The next day, I sent a message a message to the guy, but no reply, the second day, i did the same, and got no reply, until the third day when he messaged me that.......
Boo, The Chosen Man
Yeeee, a good story in a long time, the dude just said I am the chosen man from all the list of 60 men. Kingsley said that he even tried to show her some other dudes who had paid him, and some had even sent their private, hoping it will make the woman crazy, but she just wanted me.
"Guy you are in charge of one of the biggest fish in town, make sure you do it well. This might be your success story" Kingsley said
"Can I introduce some friends in my area to you" I asked
"No No, If your friend see my Facebook post and respond, I will reply them,don't go about telling everyone this"
"Ok, no problem, Thanks so much"
Though we never talked on the phone, but he has a Roll Royce on his Facebook picture, and he claimed he owned it.
I asked him about the picture of the woman I will meet, but he refused and said when am there, I would see for myself. Not really that I care, even if she is 99years old lady, as long as she is going to give me the money promised, I will lubricate her.
My only fear is she is not a ritualist, so the hunter won't be the hunted.
The D-Day
I started preparing for the day to meet the unknown woman, I started eating unripe plantain and other sexual enhancing drugs. I also read different articles on how to satisfy a woman.
Meanwhile, I have been receiving text messages from the church secretary that the church pastor wants to see me, but "ain't nobody got time for that"
Few hours to my meet up with the woman, i took some Origin and Viagra, got my fake gold chain and wristwatches. Got my best shirt, and with a nice perfume, i know someone is going to shout "yoya" at the hotel, and it is not going to be me.
I was to meet to meet the woman at one of the most expensive hotel in town, at that point, nothing was in my mind more than meeting this woman, and hoping she is fine af.
Though to be safe, and fear that the woman might be a ritualist, I hid a small table knife into my back pocket.
While in my thought, i heard the driver saying;
"Oga we don reach, na the hotel be this"
I snapped, gave him the agreed fee, and bounce.
The hotel was looking so majestic, I said to myself, this woman must be really rich to have stayed in a place like this.
Off to the reception to meet my Sugar mummy.
Meeting With Ms Ichibong
I met with the receptionist, and told her I was around to meet one Ms Ichibong. That was the name Kingsley gave me. She smiled, as she seems to know what I was doing there, and pointed me to the bar where my sugar mummy seems to be relaxing.
I was just hoping to meet that Halle Berry kind of lady Taystee girl in the orange is the new black in the case she is going to be big.
While I was trying to figure out Ms Ichibong, when i noticed this light-skinned, pimple free and beautiful face, giving me that Hundred thousand Naira smiles, and my heart nearly skipped out my chest for once. Ms Ichibong looks wonderfully amazing.
I decided to do a body check with my fast moving eyes, and I think her front yard are still gives directions and in full alert mode. I was surprised, and at this same time happy, I started thinking of how I will make her want to call me again.
"Hello", i said to her,"
"Hi, and how are you...Please have your seat"
I took my seat opposite to where she was sitting and she continued
"Wow, am impressed"
"Thank you ma"
" No don't call me ma, please call me Angelina"
She also accessed me from head to toe, which she smirks her lips, and ask me;
" Do you know why you are here"
"Yes mm....Angelina" I stammered
"Are you to the task"
"Jah will help us ma"
"He better do" while she rub my hands"Let's go to my suite"
I think it is time for action now...
Watch out for Part 2 of sugar mummy moment in Lagos as we entered her suite
Story written by @iamsynord; Edited by Liam for Doy News