After 49 years of marriage, and with no outsiders coming inside our building or in-laws advising us to end a nasty quarrel or hot argument, I think it is safe to share some of those things that have made this marriage a smooth journey using different mathematics equations.
Nowadays, you see two people getting married in January, and just when you get prepared to enjoy Christmas with the couples, you get a newsflash that the two former lovebirds have parted ways just a week before Christmas. And people seen as role modesl in the Television industry, from liberal to conservatives preaching family values, all fail at the mathematics of marriage.
I hope what you will read today will touch your heart and help rebuild a crumbling marriage, and also make a strong marriage stronger.
Marriage can be reduced to a set of simultaneous linear equation, the fact that they are linear equations make them easy to do, compared to if they are quadratic or exponential equations.
Equation 1: Love is Blind
The reference point for this equation is the bible, 1st Peter 4 vs 8;
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." When you are in love, you can never see the fault of someone you love. When you love someone, they can never do anything wrong.
When you are in love, there is no what your partner does, you will not see their flaws, you marry them for who they truly are. Though you can correct or help them, but you don't leave them because of these flaws.
Equation 2: Marriage is a miracle worker (Genesis 29 vs 21-25)
Remember Jacob sleeping with a strange woman for a whole night, and only knew what had happened the second morning. It took marriage to open his eyes that he had the wrong person.
21-24 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife; I’ve completed what we agreed I’d do. I’m ready to consummate my marriage.” Laban invited everyone around and threw a big feast. At evening, though, he got his daughter Leah and brought her to the marriage bed, and Jacob slept with her. (Laban gave his maid Zilpah to his daughter Leah as her maid.)
25 Morning came: There was Leah in the marriage bed!
Jacob confronted Laban, “What have you done to me? Didn’t I work all this time for the hand of Rachel? Why did you cheat me?”
Marriage is a miracle worker for a special anointing for opening blind eyes
Result: When you solve these 2 equations simultaneously, the answer is simple, nobody knows who he or she is married to, until after marriage. If you think you know your spouse before you married them, you are deceiving yourself, because during courtship, everybody is at their sweetest. Nobody shows the other part they don't want you to see yet.
During courtship, he probably opens the door, and you step in like the queen of England, then when you married, you don't even the days he opens the door, because by now, you have to do this simple things on your own, else, you have to stay back at the house.
Nowadays, people get married in a week, and the next week, they are looking for the best divorce lawyers in their state or province. Some will want to know where they can download the divorce form online just so they can call it quit whenever there is a little misunderstanding in their marriage.
Allow me to refer you again to the bible (Roman 7 vs 2) - For the married woman [as an example] is bound and remains bound by law to her husband while he lives; but if her husband dies, she is released and exempt from the law concerning her husband.
Marriage is not a contract, it is not something you want to try to please the society or your next door neighbour. It is a beautiful you should do when you are ready to do it, study your partner, work out issues with them, and grow old together.
Always go into the marriage, with someone you trust,and hold the belief you are in this forever, and no need to have divorce attorneys on your speed dial.
Equation 3: Angels Dont marry
We have all called our spouse"angels", or use phrases like "angel of my life," the truth is that angels really don't marry, we can confirm this from the Christian holy book here;
Matthew 22:30 - At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.
Equation 4: Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. (Matthew 12 vs 33)
Result: Now, if we again solve the equation 2 and 3 simultaneously, we will come to the conclusion that angels don't marry, and we only say all these words to make our spouse happy, nobody is married to an angel, unless you are married to one of the fallen agents, and I will advise you to run- now!!!
So when you get married, get ready for the various disappointments.
However, the fellow you are married to, can become an angel, because, according to equation 4, remember, if we make a tree good, its fruit will be good. So, the question is how can you make your partner your own angel, this will give us two more equations (5 & 6)
Equation 5: Death And Life
A lot of us have turned our tongue to just an object of food and wine tasting. You have tasted all the cuisine, and that is all your tongue to be, but according to the Proverb 18 vs 21 -Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
So look at your spouse and speak goodness and what you want in their lives.
Equation 6: Say It
Equation 5 talks about life and death with your tongue,and the 6th equation is an equation re-assuring you of having the things you say. According to our next bible verse, (Numbers 14 vs 28- 'I swear that as surely as I live, I will do to you just what you have asked. I, the LORD, have spoken.
So, if you say and believe what you say, you definitely will have it, so if you want your wife to be an angel, start saying it, you want her to be smart, always remind her about how smart she is, and how attracted you are to her smartness, and correct her gently, remember the power of the tongue. It's easy, it is by the use of your tongue. If you say your wife is an angel, and you maintain, and relate to her as such, she will end up becoming an angel.
LIkewise, if you call your wife an idiot, and incorrigible fool. That is what she will become. Learn to use your tongue correctly. Also, If you keep calling your husband a useless fellow, pretender, fool -that is what he will become.
Now That I am done with the different mathematical calculation on marriage, I will share some tactics that could sustain your marriage, or ignite the passion in your marriage.
In marriage nowadays, there are lots of domestic violence happening, and lots of deaths caused by this menance, the reason of any man beating their wives can never be justified, the anger that results in wife beating could be curbed only if we have little patience.
As couples, you should have a border where you talk to yourselves, and stop the argument. The devil or enemies have no power over your marriage, so the only thing the enemy would do is look for the slightest opportunity to bring down your marriage through argument.
I remember when I had my wife at the age of 25 while she was 19, a lot of people expected the marriage to fail, letting me know about the different complex marital issues we might not be able to resolve. A lot of people looking forward to our marriage breakup led me to ask my wife that we should agree that we will never get angry at the same time.
When I am angry, i expect my wife to be quiet, and when she is angry, probably caused by me, I will be quiet. There are times that you can't resist but want to say something, these are the moments I step out of the house, and when I am back, the energy of the argument would have reduced, and I can apologise, and we can talk about it. his works either as a Christian or not.
Pinky swear with your wife about how both of you would resolve the issues that day, which brings me to the next tactics.
Never go to bed without praying together... I keep saying this, and will continue to let it ring, take this down now by heart, don't go to bed without praying together with your spouse. If there is nothing to pray about, pray for friends, or the local church.
Since you can't pray with anger in your heart, this means you will need to resolve whatever issues you have before going before God, so you end the fight, pray together and move on.
Even the bible said, don't let the sun go down on your anger. Make sure nothing distracts you from prayer or go a night without praying with your spouse.
Argument To Comedy
When couples talk about separating from their marriage or when young lovers want to break up, there is a particular question i always love to ask them, I asked them " Can you remember how you both get to the current situation, can you rewind back to the day you started this fight"
Most times when we go back to see what was the cause of the fight, it's probably something that is trivial, and could have been avoided if one of the parties involves crack a simple joke with the situation.
Let me cite a good example using another mathematical formula;
In a situation of bad meal, let's say you don't like too much hot chilli inside your meal, and your wife/husband added more than enough, now you have more chilli than the soup you requested, and you sweat so much from eating this food, before you walk out of the door in anger,you can try a good correction method like this;
"Sweetheart, My Mathematics professor is a funny man, once he was teaching us about the law of inverse proportion, and he said, the pepper in a soup, must be inversely proportional to the heat in the town"
She will probably get the point that since this is not a cold season, the pepper needs to be reduced next time any of you is cooking. Both of you will get a laugh at this...
I will also like to share another one before my next tactics
One day, I was preparing my trip to the airport, and my wife says, darling, I will like to follow you to the airport, a good suggestion from a lover.
For my wife to go to get ready for the airport, she will need to get ready. A woman getting ready might make me lose my flight. So i said, My dear, a car moves faster if it is not drawing a trailer. It was suppose to be a single joke, but guess it did not go well, and she asked me, who is the trailer?
Realizing this is not going as planned in my head, I said I was the trailer.
And she responded, who is deceiving who?
I got to the airport alone that day, well timed for my flight, and a home at peace, and a wife that will not only be expecting my safe returns, but will also pray for my journey.
One of the issues couple faces in recent world is sharing gifts, or not receiving the right gifts. Not getting gifts at all is another pin that could puncture a hole in a healthy marriage. Every man or woman wants to be appreciated.
There is nothing bad in taking your husband out for a nice night out, and there is nothing bad in taking out the wife for a romantic dinner. Love and romance does not end after marriage, it should be stronger.
Right Approach As Seen From My Mother.
I grew up with a poor family, and going to school sometimes is expensive for my parents. So whenever it is time to pay my tuition, I will want to share with you how my mother does it. I get to see this first hand, because I sleep in the same room as my dad.
I will let you know today that everything depends on approach, the way you approach your husband might give him the reason to set things straight, or set things alight.
My mom don't walk up to my father to yell at him just to remind him about the tuition fee, or tell him how his mates have paid without their wives reminding them, NO..' Unlike girls of nowadays that claims they know their rights, with different titles, and acting social media advise or social media standards, my mum will come close to my father, very early in the morning, and will eulogise my father.
This is a pedigree(oriki) in Yoruba(Nigeria, Africa), other countries definitely has their own form of eulogising their spouse, imagine a wife with a good poetry, reminding you of your own great-grandfather , the warriors in your lineage, for someone from this part of the world, such things makes a man ego rise to the point she will do anything.
Let's assume your husband is a twin, this is a sample of a good eulogy;
Ẹ̀jìrẹ́ ará ìṣokún.
Ọmọ ẹdun tíí ṣeré orí igi
Ó fẹsẹ̀ méjèèjì bẹ sílé alákìísa;
Ó salákìísà donígba aṣọ.
Gbajúmọ̀ ọmọ tíí gbàkúnlẹ̀ ìyá,
Tíí gbàdọ̀bálẹ̀ lọ́wọ́ baba tó bí í lọ́mọ.
Wínrinwínrin lójú orogún
Ejìwọ̀rọ̀ lojú ìyá ẹ̀.
Tani o bi ibeji ko n'owo?
Every Twins hail from Isokun.
A relative of monkeys you are
Hoping and jumping from a tree branch to the other
Jumping helter-skelter,you landed in a wretched man's place
Turning around his misfortunes
A rare set of children that commands undue honour and respect from their parents
To your stepmother, you are an unwelcome sight
But to your mother, you are both emperors of two empires!
Wouldn't you love to be parents to twins ?
Remember Game of thrones, now imagine meeting Daenarys and she is about to kill you and the whole town, but you were fortunate enough to get a bit closer to her, and you bow with these words;
Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons
Then you ask her to spare your life and your kindred....if your life is worth saving, she probably would leave you than when you yell at her for invading your land..
Just because you tune the ego metre of Daenarys, everybody has one, and you must learn to turn it at every opportunity...Learn your spouse pedigree or soothing words, and you will start opening code-locked doors....Back to our marriage equations.
My mother will talk about the wars my grandfather led and won different wars, how he is a man of valor and of many medals of honour, how is enemies are scared of him...How his father feds the armies and civilians after every victory at war, my father will say, yeah, it's true.
I am on the bed, and asking myself, which war? (I know grandpa), but the words that get to my father
At the end of the day, it is my father that will ask my mom, what can i do for you today?My mother will not stop now, she will continue the eulogy then ask in this particular format;
I know times are hard, but the kids are suppose to go back to school,but i dont know how to ask you this knowing the situation..
My father will respond,don't worry yourself, we will get it.
Truth is he was going to borrow or sell one of his little farms, but he will pay...This is done because of the right approach.
Some woman doesn't know the eulogy of their husband, maybe they have forgotten to ask, or the man don't even know, you can try this If you are a Christian.
During the morning devotion, begin to pray in this format;
Let's assume you want a hat, try this;
God i want to talk you for a wonderful husband, handsome, kind, generous.... A husband who take care of his husband from heaaaaaaaaaddddd to the toe(lay strong emphasis on the heaad.)
If it is a shoe, change the emphasis to toooooeee. Your husband is not dumb,he is an intelligent fellow, and knows that prayer is new, and you did not use it yesterday or the day before.
As for the men, when the wife prays the head to toes prayer, if you have money, go and buy her what she needs please. Also, don't make her pray the head to toe prayer before you appreciate her. Occasional gift for your number 1 prayer partner. There is nothing wrong with dinner once in a while. Once in a while get her flowers.
If she is asking for a head, clothes and toe- that means she needs the full clothings, but you are not financially ok, instead of accusing her of trying to pressurize you into buying things, you can take up the prayer form her, and do yours in this format.
Lord i want to thank you for a wonderful wife, beautiful, full of understanding...a woman who loves not the world neither the things in it...a woman that loves things above, and not within.
As a couple, you must have things you laugh about, or how you handle trivial issues.
Pray for your wife, Lift her up spiritually
lift your wife up spiritually, if you fast for 7 days, let her do same...if she can't do same, let her do 3 or 5. When a man is falling, how far down he will go is determine by how high the wife is her spiritual steps, if you are at number 7, and your wife is at number 5, if you fall in life, you cannot not fall below 5 before your wife get hold of you, but if she is at number 2, you will get to 2 below before you stop.
Lift her up for your own and family safety...
1- If a woman advises you to be careful of another woman and you ignore, you will get burnt.
2- If you travel, never miss a day without talking to your wife. always call your wife anywhere you are in the world. Don't be too busy to call home.
Message from: Pastor E.A Adeboye (General Overseer, Redeemed Christian Church Of God)
Curated by Michelle Odogwu and Anna Folusho