Domestic violence is a violent confrontation between family or household members involving physical harm, sexual assault or fear of physical harm. Family or household members include spouses/former spouses, those in (or formerly in) a dating relationship, adults related by blood or marriage or those who have a biological or legal parent-child relationship.
The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviours, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, and isolation to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but may remain a hidden and constant terrorizing factor. Domestic violence is not only a physical and sexual violence, but also psychological.
Psychological violence means intense and repetitive, degradation creating isolation and controlling the actions or behaviours of the spouse through intimidation or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
Domestic violence is a global problem and of 100 percent human that are abused, women seem to be abused more than the men, in a ratio of 90:10, example of these abuses is the raping of two sisters by their step father and step brothers in thr USA, and recently in Nigeria, there have been a news about Titi, a banker that was not only brutalized by the husband kolade but also killed by this so called husband for no tangible reason. Some NGO have decided to fight against these immoral acts by some men against the women folks in the society.
Domestic violence in Nigeria not only occurred during marriage, but even when a boy and lady are in a relationship. Boys do raise their hands against the lady at any slightest provocation anytime they argue, making the lady believe she is a weaker sex, also some men are fond of doing what they want to do, when they really want to do it. Not giving in to this demand might result in violence with the lady.
On a recent visit to Ajegunle city on the 23rd of July to have a chit chat with the women and ask about their different marriages, I realized 85% of women in these areas were divorced or have passed through one emotional abuse or the other. The ladies explained that the abuse do happen because the men love to control their lives to a great extent as verbally degrade them.
Almost all women in the interview complained about one domestic violence they encountered from the opposite gender, and they could not cope so they prefer to be either divorced than to be killed or die all because they claim to be in love.
Mrs Agbede, said she got married when she was 17 because her parents could not afford her education after her free primary education organised by the state government and have been advised to get married to a boy that will take good care of her. As she could not hold on to the pressure again, she married the 24 old man, Mr Agbede who unknowingly to her is a marijuana dealer and not a security man as he claimed when he came to ask for her hands in marriage. So she suffered in their 3 year marriage from the Sunday Agbede the husband. Some of the domestic abuse she encountered includes not giving her allowance as promised, threatening to kill her if she does not cook the food as requested, even he fails to drop a cent before leaving for work, he just wants his food when he is back from his illegal business. Moreover, she is scared of going to the prison at her younger age as police officers from Ajegunle have raided their house different times on different tip-offs and she had to bail out the husband on every week from police cells every week or every two weeks. She said the only month she enjoyed her marriage was six months after they got married, this is one of the many stories these women shared with me during my recent visit to the Ajegunle community.
On a visit to Re-shaping life counselling centre,Lagos. The doctor told us that three out of four women were subject to abuse.
Statistics proved that the most common cause for physical injury on most women was their Husbands/boyfriends attacks. It was higher in number than the injuries caused by car accidents, robberies all summed up. Results of a questionnaire that was done on women around there (though translated to everyone in Yoruba), shows 90% percent of this separated/divorce women are brutalized by their husband.
Most of the common physical and sexual abuses most women in Ajegunle are facing from men are:
Hair pulling, biting, shaking and throwing around, pushing, choking, kicking, confinement, slapping, hitting, punching, using lethal weapons, forced intercourse, unwanted sexual touches in the public, depriving them of food or sleep.
The women in AjCity have faced one or two of the listed abuses in their family, the most common ones are hair pulling, hitting, unwanted sexual abuse and depriving them of food or sleep according to the statistics in the questionnaire.
Also, some of these women complained of emotional abuse and some of this are:
Insulting her in public or private
Putting down her friends or family
Making her feel bad about herself
Calling her names
Making her think she is crazy
Playing mind games
Humiliating her
Making her feel guilty
Using male privilege; acting like “master of the castle”
Treating her like slaves
Also more research into the Ajegunle area, some women complained about the economic abuse they do face in their marriages, some of this are :
The men prevent them from getting a job
They are not given access to the family income.
They are not allowed to voice in important financial decisions.
While some complain about this, some also complained how their husbands use coercion on them
The men always threaten to leave them
Making her do illegal things around the community, just like the case of Ms Agbede
The abuse in this community does not end there as some complain how their husbands use jealousy and blame to justify action .Some men always believe their wives are seeing other men in the communities, example of this is the case of saidat who complained her man don’t trust her, and always accusing her of infidelity.
These and many more have been the order of the day at Ajegunle after a careful interview with most of the women in this community, most of these women said they are not going back to their previous marriage unless the man signed documents with policemen as the witness stating there won’t be domestic violence around in their marriages, and they will be given equal voices in the marriage. This actually came as a shock to our correspondent who said ask why would she even wants to go back to an abusive relationship. Mrs Adebayo, with water in her eyes said, even they were in that marriage, life was not as hard as it is now. See Mister, i have not eaten for few days now, at least, he does provide for me when he can. I am just scared of his temperament.
We talked to woman of this community and let them know domestic violence won't only affect them, but it might have effects on their children.
Research On Domestic Violence, For Doy News